Methods of parenting: why and why not?

Abstract

During the last two decades the conditions for parents have changed more radically than ever before in our history. The importance of a quality child-parent relationship has been discovered and the »subject-subject relationship« emphasized. Systems Theory is widely recognized as the most comprehensive theory with regard to analyzing and healing family conflicts as well as individual pain. A common set of values and moral consensus does not exist any more and parents have lost a lot of their external support. Pedagogy has tried to compensate for this, but since the nature of professional pedagogy is fundamentally different from private childrearing, it has been unsuccessful. When you place a method between a parent and a child, you establish a subject-object-relationship with the child as the object. This kind of relationship is far from optimal. The process violates the emotional and existential integrity of children. The more you violate the integrity of a human being, the more this human being will conform to the demands and expectations, which means that these methods are bound to "work". The crucial ethical, professional and political question is not what works, but how and why it works. We do not need another politically motivated alteration of parenting, but we do need a continued development, based on the experiences of today’s parents and their dialogue with different groups of professionals. Today nobody has the complete answer to the most important question of them all: "How do we as adults exercise our leadership over children and youth in ways that do not violate their personal integrity?" This question is also asked, and not yet answered, within industry, politics and education, so please be patient and do not take your frustration out on our children in the form of overly simplified methods. Stop thinking primitively in opposites and help us formulate genuine alternatives to everything that does not serve individuals and/or families and communities.